10 Nov. 2011

Aujourd’hui, j’ai l’impression d’avoir fait partie de quelque chose.

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24 Nov. 2011

My body is a temple

Yet I am killing it

I see life as all the possibilities I did not follow

All the paths I did not hike

All the countries I did not grow in

                         

My body is a temple

Yet I have never walked in one

Preferring the uselessness of laicism

Rather than the restrains of Religion

The timeless waves of interests – cyclic

My body is a temple

Yet I have never let anyone visit

Leaving all the flaws to my unique bare eyes

Afraid of external spits and cuts

All of them I will never feel on my epidermal

My body is a temple

Yet I am killing it

Little by little – Letting it dismiss and drown

Into the boredom of habits and weaknesses

 By my own fault and shamanic drive

My body is a temple

Or perhaps my only opponent

Our souls should live as flames

Of blue

Alone and together

And all sheltered from the bare feeling of being watched

My body is a flame

Joyful to the idea of being liberated from others

Of being immaterial

No needs – No desires – No aspirations – Just thoughts

My temple has muted

Into a great big pile of thoughts

I have been let free

I have become blue

11 Nov. 2011

Aujourd’hui j’ai présenté un projet. Un projet sur lequel je travaille depuis longtemps. Plus longtemps qu’à l’habitude. Un projet personnel. Un peu trop moi. Un peu trop moi toute nue. 

Comme toujours, on doit parler. Devant tous ces gens. Qui vous regardent. Ça me fait peur. À chaque fois. Celle-ci plus qu’à l’habitude. J’avais les paumes toutes mouillées. Je suais de partout. 

Je ne me souviens plus trop ce que j’ai dit. Je me souviens ne pas avoir dit beaucoup. Ne pas avoir tout dévoilé sur le projet. Ne m’être pas ouverte totalement. J’en suis incapable. Pour l’instant du moins. 

Après avoir parlé. Je me sentais toute schizophrène. Je suis allée boire de l’eau. Me suis fait arrêtée par Andréanne. Elle était toute émue. Remarquant que moi aussi j’étais toute émue. Elle avait été touchée.

C’était ma première fois. La première fois que j’étais aussi bouleversée par un de mes projets. La première fois aussi que je voyais quelqu’un d’autre qui l’était. C’était bizarre. Mais tout avait un sens. 

Martine m’a parlé après le cours. Elle était gentille. Elle m’encourageait. Se disait impressionnée. C’est étrange quelqu’un qui s’intéresse à toi. On dirait presque que c’est anormal. Tout le monde est dans sa tête. Toujours est-il qu’elle m’a fait du bien. 

Peut-être que finalement je sais ce que j’ai envie de faire. En fait je sais que je sais ce que j’ai envie de faire. Je ne sais juste pas trop comment. C’est tellement concret. C’est tellement abstrait. Ça fait peur.

La chair rapiécée par tiges de nerfs à bout

La plaie victime des mouches fermée pourtant  pourquoi tourner autour

Poils en vagues âme sèche

Belle image moisie substance

Pellicules

Membres-moignons comme tout le monde aux membres-moignons

Marchant dans la rue sans sourire sans bonjour sans comment ça va sans bien et toi sans mal et toi

Étranger parmi les étrangers

Yeux clos d’harassement mortel

Se fermer en boule-fœtus

Qu’il nous pousse des œillères à droite et à gauche

En avant toute !

Ne pas se retourner

Sous peine de fissures gouvernementales

De babines gercées qui saignent au soleil

Immobile

Toujours - Plus - Immobile

Nous le sommes - Tous - Déjà

Éteints

Sous la lourde bâche 

Postillon sur paupière droite

Aigreur – La tienne

Me froid dans l’Ventre

Je

Tremble - Ton visage

Déformé

Déformé

Par Rage

Je n’en peux plus

Je n’en peux plus de cette Rage qui Rage

Autour

Partout

Partout

Je n’en peux plus de cette Rage qui Rage

J’en ai assez en Moi – Contre Moi – Qui me sort des Pores

Produits chimiques

Irritation

Je n’ai pas besoin de ton Haleine

Nauséabonde

Glacée – Tiède - Trop chaude – Brûlante

Qui crachouille

Merci de bien vouloir disparaitre de ma vie.

Toulouse Lautrec. J'aime beacoup ses dessins sur du papier-boucherie.

Faut que j'arrête de penser à lui.

Hello Claudia,

I have big news for you this morning. I am selling Picolo. The woman who own Picolo's dad (Lewis) and has always wanted to purchase Picolo is finally buying him. She has an 18 acres farm in Georgia where she takes care of her horse every day. She does mostly dressage. She is passionate, she has time, she has money, and she has patience. She is a great person.

I have always put myself last. I always wanted to give Picolo the best he could have. But when he is out in the minus 35, when I have to put him out damp because I can't afford a stall, when I see everybody going around with their 3 000 $ fitted saddles that their parents purchased for them for no great event, when I hear kids say ''yes'' to showing or taking more lessons without hesitation, it makes me mad. It makes me mad that the ''horse world'' is surrounded by snobbish people who can't say ''thank you'' and always find a reason to complain and to want more. It is jealousy I imagine. I wish I could give my horse all the care and the comfort that he needs (even if he is a Canadian). He deserves it. But with school and transportation, and homework and studying, I will have a nervous breakdown or health issues (which are already starting to appear) in less than a year if I don't start taking care of myself. I have never taken care of myself. I cannot keep going this way.

I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to leave with a backpack for years and years. I don't understand the way society works. I do not agree with it. I want to live simply to live. I don't want to live to buy a car, a bungalow in a nice suburb, have a husband and children. Some people may find happiness in the simple joys of life. I do appreciate the simple joys of life, but cannot follow the path that everybody wants you to follow. That everybody pressure you to follow. I need to do things. I need to see things. I need to slack on the responsibilities and leave. I will leave after I am done my DEC. With a horse, you cannot leave; you cannot do things when you feel like doing things. You are attached, like glue, to Sainte-Marthe.

I love him. I love him so much. He has always been there for me. In the rough times, in the good times when we had relaxing dressage shows and cross country clinics. I love him so much. It makes me sad. He was always the one I could lean on when I felt I had nothing. My stable friend in the chaos and the wind. It makes me sad to have to do this. But I have to do this. I don't want to wait till I can't take it anymore and sell him to a stranger who will take bad care of him or sell him to someone else. I want him to be happy. I don't feel I can make him happy anymore. I want to keep good memories, not bad ones. Time has come. I feel that time has come, even if it is difficult for me to do this.

I have thought of this for a while now. It is not a rush decision even if it feels like everything is happening so fast. He will be leaving at the end of February, beginning of March. There is a lot of paper work and organization to do before hand, especially because he needs to cross the border. He will be trailered by a professional. The same one that brought Lewis from Très-St-Rédempteur to Georgia, seven years ago. I am also selling her all my tack and horse accessories at the same time. She gave me a good price. More than what I had asked for. She is giving me 5 500, 00 $ for everything, and she is paying the astronomical costs of trailering and vet bills. She really wants him. She is a great person. She said I could go visit him whenever I wanted to. She is so sweet. I'm going to miss him so much. I am going to be so sad when I will see the trailer turn out of the Delle Donne driveway. God this is so hard to do!

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know about the situation, because I didn't feel like I had the strength to do it earlier. I hope you understand, even if we don't envision the world in the same way. Even if you seem happy in your bungalow and you're daily routine. I wish it could be that simple for me. I did not tell Julie yet. Let me tell her please, when I feel ready. One step at a time. Slowly but surely. I want you to know that even if at the beginning you didn't think it was going to work out with Picolo, you have helped me evolve so much as a rider and as a team with my great-big-fat-hairy Canadian. Thank you for all you're time, patience and brains. I will remember our cross country clinics and the times you got mad at me because I was swearing... I have not decided yet if I will be taking lessons on another horse (Daydream) after Picolo leaves. I will see if I feel capable. The complicity between me and Picolo, I will never be able to find it again. Never. It was a ''one thing'' luck. I will always remember the freedom I felt when I was galloping in the back field bareback on him, or the crazy trail rides, or the amazing courses we went through together. Or the time he brought me into a forest because he didn't want to go in the pond, or the times I lied with him out in the hay pasture and I sat on him when he was sleeping in his stall. I know this horse better than I know myself. I love him so much. So so so much. He makes me think of me.

I will stop writing now because you must be finding this long, and because I can't even see my laptop anymore my eyes are so watery.
Have a good day Claudia.

Amani